..how selfish the world can be

..You wouldn't be able to imagine it.

Everywhere I click, is hurt.
Every single thing I see right now, is hurt.
Every single word I say, is hurt.
Every emotions on the verge of exploding, is hurt.

You wouldn't be able to imagine it.

Just how easily people can forget.
Just how easily I CAN BE forgotten.
Just how easy every bit of hope can vanish right in front of your eyes.
Just how easy for people to hurt another..

..knowingly or not.

Damage is done.

I have issues.
You have issues.
So does every other people.

So much just because "you feel like it".

losing everything

I just want to say, I can't be anymore unhappy.

Terribly upset, on the verge of breaking down.
I really couldn't take it anymore.
Issues always occuring.
Friends are always doing it.
Things have never gone my way.


Why am I even getting hopeful in the first place?? I knew it so damn well but why did I not listened to my brain and listened to my heart??

And why did I LISTENED to you.

Why did I even asked..

And all I get is hurt. Pain. Very much heartbroken even when I hate to admit it.


I really need to be spared from all these shit..All I ever wanted is just to be happy. Happiness has never seem so far away before. And I have never wanted to leave this much.

Transitions

I'm calling it another phase in life.

Anyway, work makes one feel old, drains out the youthful-ness from everyone. People like ME. -.- I'm still young alright. Thus very much concluded that, 9-5 job is really not for me. I very much couldn't stand anything that makes me feel stagnant. Stagnant life, stagnant job, and feeling stagnant in dance just to name a few.

For the past 2/3 months, it's like a cycle every single day. And I hated it. Period. So last night, in attempt to maximize my precious time (I only have bout' 5 hours of time for myself every week day, which sums it up to only 25 hours of free time which is just 1 day and an hour for myself NOT working), I made an enquiry with this online store while watching TV. It is so damn bloody cool.

Okay, I'm skipping some of the details but anyway, it was a US webbie so yes, it was live chat with their service operator. Don't you think that's a fantastic idea? Like, you get an instant reply to your query rather than having to call over or email them for any enquiry. Anyway, point is, I think he probably thought that I'm a bitch (which he's partially right anyway). LOL. Can't wait for my purchase with them~

Anyway, I'm sucha loser. I need to quit feeling whatever that I'm feeling, and stop thinking and reading so much into it already. Still, even when I know...

I'm talking to myself

It bothers me a great deal.
I realise I'm in the exact situation and for years, I do not know how to deal with it.
What happened in between?
It was never really the case in the past but..
ever since I stepped into this place,
I find my visions blurred.
I know I fear.
But what?

There's so much overwhelming me within and it's exploding.
And that, I don't think I can handle it anymore.
I'm so tired of it.


Enough of realisation, I want to act on it.

rants ahead (and very "inorganizedly" posted)

Sometimes I can't help being the way I am.

So much struggling within, and so much struggling mentally, physically, and verbally with people I even bother myself with, with things I treasure greatly.

Sometimes I don't get why people are behaving this way.

Do I always have to be the one coming after people? Always the one to initiate? Always the one to be given the I-don't-give-a-damn-bout-her(me) attitude? Why?

I'm always the one people fall back on when things don't happen their way. In other words, spare tyre. A few people, some I thought are my pretty good friends, only come to me when they happen to have no one at the moment. It's RARELY the situation they would think of me first that's why they called me, or asked me out. It's very much usually the case either people just happen to bring up my name or he/she ran out of people to ask out, only then they would remember of my existence.

Before any of you ask me to cheer up, I think you should think twice because you might just be one of those I have just described.

Sometimes I think people are way too caught up in their own world. Way too much. But I don't think that should give you any reason or excuses for anything. You are not kidding me but yourself.

So I guess it's natural when there are days I will think to myself, how is it like to totally erase my existence here. Be it among family, friends, social circle or whatnot.

I'm expecting reactions to be like, "oh, what happened to her? bla bla" but people will just move on in lightning speed. I don't really think most people will be sincerely concern in the first place?

And friends...friends. I feel like there's a need for me to repeat myself (even though I really hates it but apparently I always find myself a need to do all the repeating work) that, I am just the way I am. Please do know by now, I will/can only provide the most straightfoward and honest words/opinions. It's just the way I am to be frank. That's how I respect the other person.

I know I'm not the most patient or considerate person on earth. But I pretty much prefer to be truthful than not. You shouldn't be expecting me to say only words you want to hear. Because I don't do that at all. And I don't see why I should do that unless today I'm trying to be scheming.


And I hate it when people are dishonest with me. I repeat, I HATE IT VERY MUCH WHEN PEOPLE ARE DISHONEST WITH ME.

And I shall repeat another thing. If you have an issue with me or you are just not agreeable to some things I did/said, say it right in my face. I won't blame you, or rather, I'm totally fine with it. Trust me, I'm most likely to be thankful.

Also, another instance. Say if you don't want something, just say you don't want. Don't waste my time and go a big round the bush and only tell me you don't want after hours, days, weeks, or worse, months! If you know me well enough, you might know or noticed that I really had this strong sense of urgency in a lot of things. I really cannot stand it when things could be done faster but you wasted my time away on it for...god-knows reasons.

In case you are wondering what other situations to spot that bloody urgency in me, I really cannot stand it when people walk damn slowly in crowded places or interchange. Somehow I almost felt like I'm in Aussie or something whereby the pace there is freaking even slower. Hellooooo, may I urge all couples/couples-to-be, stroll in the park or some bigger area like the bay area beside Esplanade or something can?? Omg.. I think people like that are pretty inconsiderate. Especially when most of the time, they are the ones who block the whole walk path. Imagine those who are in the rush or have a very important meeting to attend! What if someone's family or friends met with mishap and they are in the hurry to see how they are doing?


All in all, it's always too much to expect something or anything from people. Just how many actually bother to give in more thought to anything?

Even after saying these, what's there to blame, who to blame? At the end of the day, there's no point blaming anything on anyone, or anyone for anything. Because this is the vicious cycle of life.

I think it takes a lot more courage to hang on to things than to choose an easier way out. I could have chosen the latter and I have not. But I'm starting to doubt. I may just choose the latter soon enough. If you are wondering what is that easier way out, that's for it to happen and you to find out later.

I insist on believing in that very first eye-contact. The first connection we shared.

Check this out - The 5: BoA

5 things you never knew about BoA. =)

Boa - MTV Shows

I think she's doing really well in LA! OMG, I don't care but this is gonna be another reason why I should be paying LA a visit in the very near future. =((

Anyway, BoA is up with a new video~




TOTALLY DIG THOSE ACCESSORIES ON HER!

As usual, her dancing is (and always) fantastic. But I don't think I would ever wanna dance with so many things bounding around my wrist and neck. -__-!! It looks heavy on her.


And yes yes, it's been awhile since my previous update. Gosh, I'm close to rotting at home for 4 months now. THIS IS BAD. VERY BAD. If anyone would like to recommend me a good job, please feel free to tag/msn/email/text me.

I'm still not sure if I should or should not be doing it. Sigh. Btw, I have been busy with my application for a scholarship. I don't have good feelings about it, nor am I gonna pin too much hope on it either. It's just...too difficult. I just applied it since there's no harm in trying, right? Whenever an opportunity arise, it's really up to you to grab it or not, but these days, you really gotta admit that luck plays a part as well.


2009 is really passing fassssst. Oh no. -Note to self: You have seriously wasted too much time. -.-

I shall be back with another update soon, hoooopefully!

quick update

TBG was awesome this year! Those who missed it, you totally missed out A LOT. Cool Mint was fantastic. Their energy and synchronization was pure madness. 5+5 popping was fab as well. And Philippine All Star simply rocks! THE WINNING ROUTINE WAS CRAZY. WCO is as usual, hot favourite. Love Dominique, Yokoi and Shohei's solo. Not to forget O Crew, their item is awesome as well. Totally entertaining and I can't help but to LOL literally @ An's MJ video. Heh.

KO Night is over as well. This year's standard definitely rise to a whole new level. Funky Ziggy's showcase was really really fab and inspiring. Locking/Waacking/Punking, here I come!

(I totally cui-ed Lee's Waacking class btw. But it was fun and she's really nice. =) )

Anyway, I will be pretty busy for the coming days. Late nights again. I guess it may be a good thing for me..